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Dear John,

June 15th, 2007

I’m always saying, “I’m gonna write a letter” - and nine times out of ten I fail to do so. Maybe I just need a short cut! So here I go…

1. Dear People of the City of Portland,
Every time we come visit you it’s a treat. You are so friendly and so kind and always make us feel welcome. You always put that extra foot forward to be kind and helpful. You’re always colorful and exciting. Thank you!

2. Dear HBO,
Thank you for a second season of Big Love!

3. Dear T. Paul’s Urban Cafe in Astoria,
Thank you for serving the finest food (and atmosphere) ever and for always remembering who we are when we come, (and that we have our ice-tea with no sugar on the rim).

4. Dear Shampoo manufacturers,
Can you please tone it down a bit on the scented products? If I want blueberry citrus kiwi peach vanilla milk n honey blast on my hair… I’ll just go to Jamba Juice and pour a smoothie over my head.

5. Dear IKEA Portland,




6. Dear former Portland mayor Vera Katz,
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! (see #5)

7. Dear Scientists,
I’d like to be cloned please. One of me that just blog surfs and sews all day, and another one of me that cooks dinner, works, cleans, pulls weeds and does laundry.

8. Dear Merry Maids,
Since I can’t have #7, do you take on charity cases?

9. Dear ODOT, WSDOT and Caltrans,
Your orange vests and cones really do the trick and I can spot you quickly and easily… but I do think you need some jazzing up. How ’bout some nice pink and green to go with the orange? Or aqua? Safety does not mean having to being unfashionable.

10. Dear clock,
Must you always move your arms so fast?

11. Dear Quilty & Crafty bloggy friends,
You are the nicest, warmest, friendliest, giving and inspirational women ever! Thank you for letting me be a part of your lives, and thank you for being a part of my life!

And last but not least…

12. Dear John,
Will you PLEASE teach Mochi and York how to use you? The whole litter box thing is so gross. And while you’re at it John… can you please teach them how to flush as well?

Posted in Stuff |

41 Responses

  1. The fabulous Autum allegedly said:

    Dear Monica,
    Thank you for being so delightful. You always bring a smile to my face.
    Have a great weekend!
    xo Autum

  2. The fabulous Mary allegedly said:

    Honey decided that he would teach our cat to use the potty. It was a long, excruciating and sometimes funny experiment that drove me nuts and absolutely annoyed the daylights out of the cat.

  3. The fabulous Kathleen allegedly said:

    Dear Monica
    Thank you for being you. You make us all laugh, cry and create!

  4. The fabulous Darlene allegedly said:

    You are truly a HOOT!

  5. The fabulous raesha allegedly said:

    What a fabulous letter!!! I can’t wait for the new season of Big Love!!! Love you!!!

  6. The fabulous Kim allegedly said:

    You’re so clever and creative, even with words! I wish I knew you and your restaurant tips before we visited Astoria last as our meal was pretty touristy and mediocre. I’ll remember to check with you next time. Hey, have you ever done that train ride from Portland to Astoria? Just curious–sounded kind of fun!

  7. The fabulous Kim allegedly said:

    P.S.: Did I ever mention that we made our daughter (the Wild Child) climb up the Astoria tower and take photos while we stayed on the ground and watched?! LOL!

  8. The fabulous Christiane allegedly said:

    lol, I really love the potty thing with your cats, keep me on track how far they ever get, I will try to teach this to my tomcat gang- in winter, in summer they use the carefully weeded flower beds of our neighbours.

  9. The fabulous sharon allegedly said:

    Great list. You are funny. Hey wanted to let you know flip flops at Target are 50 percent off. You know the cute polka dot ones that I bought. SO RUN!!!!!!!!!!

  10. The fabulous Kathy allegedly said:

    Open Open Open FOR SURE!!!!!

  11. The fabulous Carol allegedly said:

    Oh Monica thank you so much for the chuckle…what a wonderful letter.

  12. The fabulous kirsty allegedly said:

    Ha ha ha!! What a hoot!

  13. The fabulous kathleen allegedly said:

    Oh yes, IKEA needs to open! :D

    Cute post!

  14. The fabulous Kim Sherrod allegedly said:

    great letter.
    if the clock answers then let me know.
    Good luck with John & the cats.
    I, myself, love to fill a bag with poop from (the neighbors yard) cause that’s where Sadie likes to go. Always with the running over to the side yard and then another 3 feet to put a nice little pile in the neighbor (vampire’s) yard.
    He never.
    Comes out during the day.
    He never leaves except after dark.
    He is totally a vampire.
    So I have taken to feeding Sadie lots of garlic so that he will not be going too close to the poop in case he has the desire to hurl it back into our yard.
    So I nervously go over and scoop it up after it has dried a little- which here in the left side of Florida is about a day.
    Sorry, you started it.

  15. The fabulous Pam allegedly said:

    LOL cracking me up…nice letters to write!!! LOL

    You must be from the PNW as am I. I love Oregon! Grew up in Portland and miss the Rose Festival!

  16. The fabulous Nan allegedly said:


    I have been waiting with baited breath (yikes!) for the next H. Zombie installment, and I must say you did NOT disappoint!
    My DIL got me started on Big Love when I was visiting her and the family last month in WV - of course, I am TOTALLY in lust with that show! Now all I have to do is beg the hubby to allow me to get HBO! And, hopefully pigs are flying overhead as I write this!
    I totally agree with you about Portland - we used to live in Battle Ground, and visit Portland all the time - I miss it, miss it, miss it! Especially the no sales tax thing! LOL
    Great letter, very funny! I agree with you about everything, except I don’t have cats. I could, however, share the gruesome details of 3 wieners pooping in the yard at least 3 times a day! ‘Nuff said!
    xoxo Nan

  17. The fabulous Pam allegedly said:

    I like your list of letters!

  18. The fabulous Angelina allegedly said:

    Man, I thought you were going to write all complaints and instead you are throwing sweetness and love all over the place like it’s free or something.

    I think there are a lot of people who could learn from you.

    Like me.

  19. The fabulous Doe allegedly said:

    Dear Monica,
    I heart you so much for being sooo funny and so much more!

  20. The fabulous Connie allegedly said:

    Monica, This post is W-A-A-A-Y up there on my list of favorite posts that makes me GRIN all across my face when I read it. And may all your wishes come true!

  21. The fabulous Hope allegedly said:


  22. The fabulous cindy allegedly said:

    Chick, I agree, Ikea needs to OPEN, OPEN, OPEN! I wish they would have opened while we were there, um, I wish we were STILL there! Doh.
    I remember and LOVE that little Rose Fest quilt. So dang cute.
    Oh, have you tried the Trader Joe’s Nourish Spa shampoo and conditioner? It’s all natural stuff, and it makes your hair SUPER SOFT! I love it. Travis was in Milwaukee, and that was my only request….6 bottles of each shampoo and conditioner! :)
    Maybe you could sew little fringe or puff-balls on the Hwy worker vests! That would be cute. :)
    And, yes, litter boxes are icky, I hope the kitties learn to go in the toilet soon! :)

  23. The fabulous Thimbleanna allegedly said:

    Fabulous post! You always make us so happy! WooHoo Big Love!!! They made us wait WAY TOO LONG for the second season. H2 should share the potty training video with all of us. And finally, I vote for polka dot and orange DOT vests — and now that Cindy mentions it — with fringe on the bottom!

  24. The fabulous blop allegedly said:

    Girlfriend, you never fail to amaze me w/you sense of humor! Love,love,love it!
    I did have a cat that used the john, but I didn’t have anything to do w/it…he just loved the water so much that when kids were bathing, he would sit on commode(open of course)and one day he just started using it, pretty funny watching him try to scratch it tho!
    I agree w/all of your letter, especially open,open,open!
    I think the road guys would benefit from some wild ric rack and dingle balls, don’t you?? Might as well have a chuckle while having to navigate them!

  25. The fabulous Amanda allegedly said:

    Dear Monica,

    Thank you for being so funny. I fell in love with your blog when I discovered Mimi’s adventures.

    You have taught us all about blogging etiquette, bloggy love, and so much more. You are always willing to teach us neat little things to make our quilting lives more fun such as folding fabric and how to use the easy angle and companion angle.

    You taught me how to make the best salad I have ever made. It truly is the best. You put my blog on your list! That was so cool!

    Thanks, too, for being a bloggy friend. You always respond back to me when I comment. I wish we were IRL friends.


  26. The fabulous Wende allegedly said:

    Heh, I’m a big fan of the open letter. :D

    As to Big Love… groan. I have to wait until this fall!! (whine, whine)

  27. The fabulous gloria g. allegedly said:

    Yes, I love checking your blog for your adorable words! You put them together so well! Your kitties are so cute, hugging each other. Happy Weekend!

  28. The fabulous Paula allegedly said:

    Ah, What sweet nice letters you wrote. I just watched The 50 Top funniest women and will be writing those producers to let them know that you should have been top dog! Missed you Friday night )o:

  29. The fabulous lindiepindie allegedly said:

    Ditto on the shampoo thing. I’ve been looking around for odorless shampoo for my MIL and it looks like it can only be purchased online…then you get it and it may or may not be actually odorless…

    And yippee for you getting an Ikea!

    You’re so phunnie, Monica. :o)

  30. The fabulous Cottage Magpie allegedly said:

    Yes, with the opening! I heard it was July 27th or something like that. I’m not sure I can wait! ARGH! ~A :-)

  31. The fabulous Nan allegedly said:

    Monica! Thanks for coming to visit my weinery world, and your VERY kind comments!
    You are definitely my blogging hero, ‘coz you’re such a kind and loving individual. Obviously, all these other ladies think so, too, so it HAS to be TRUE!
    I checked out Margene’s blog - how great is that?!?

    Hope your weekend has been wonderful! xoxo Nan

  32. The fabulous amandajean allegedly said:

    this is a great post. It made me smile. thank you.

  33. The fabulous Mary Anne allegedly said:

    OMG !! What a CRACK - UP !! I must say I’d like to add a P.S. to “Dear John” — could “john” also teach my guys (2 teenage sons, their zillions of friends , and my husband) how to have better aim? OH, and also how to put the seat down, flush AND (now this is a hard one I realize) — how to change the toilet paper roll — that would be just heavenly if “john” could accomplish what I ,so far, have not been able to !

  34. The fabulous Amy allegedly said:

    If John figures out how to teach your kitties - send him to maryland to teach mine. Even though mine have a “Cat-man-do” we still would like to lost the boxes. (Cat-man-do - the cats tell the man what to do, when to do it & how to do it - including but not limited to feeding and litter box cleaning.)

  35. The fabulous Lizzy House allegedly said:

    That’s a great idea, a list of letters…. and a clone.

    Hope you are doing Great!!!


  36. The fabulous Lauri allegedly said:

    LOL! I like your letter. And I agree about the ‘orange cones’…they should look more like ‘Party Hats’. Maybe they’ll put you in charge of that department!

    And yeah…can’t we go back to the days of just name brand shampoo?
    “What kind of shampoo do you use?”
    “I use VO5.”

    *I don’t need an orgasm while washing my hair!*

  37. The fabulous louise allegedly said:

    sp, i LOVE big love! so glad to hear that!!!

    ps shop finally up and running! xxx

  38. The fabulous Sara, The House of Charm allegedly said:

    Monica, you bring so much laughter and joy with each post. Keep it up!! *HUGS*

  39. The fabulous Angela allegedly said:

    Hehehehe — I love your thank you’s — I have a few like that I need to give as well.

  40. The fabulous Patti allegedly said:

    Oh Monica, I love all your posts, but I think this is one of the best ones yet. Thanks so much for the chuckle and smile before I head to bed. I’m with you on the Ikea thing - I’m taking a week off starting with the day it opens so I can get my new sewing room furniture all in place and the room back together. I can hardly wait!

    I don’t know whether I want to be cloned - I think I’d just rather have someone else here to do all the rest of that stuff!

  41. The fabulous brittak allegedly said:

    Hey, hey, an Astoria shout-out! That’s what I like to see.

    Nice site you’re running here. I’ll be back.

Farting around with needle & thread and then blogging about it.

Monica Solorio-Snow
Happy Zombie

Pacific Wonderland
Astoria, Oregon

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